Just the Beginning

Recently I started an intensive, out-patient, group-therapy program at MUSC to help understand and, hopefully, alleviate the web of anxiety that has been wrapping and wrapping and wrapping itself around me for as long as I can remember.

Now that I am remembering.

In my family we are spread over the whole of the continua of mental health disorders; I’ve always trended toward the higher end of anxiety, though I never thought of myself as wholly anxious. I had such a good code-switch going on when I was in public, even my conscious was convinced. I knew I loved people, I loved interacting with people, but I often felt ingenuine, and as though the other person didn’t like me or was upset with me about something. I didn’t even know how to be myself. Which left me feeling pretty crappy about myself, and nervous to be around people. I didn’t even realize I had been “isolating” myself for so long. I assumed I was staying home everyday because I love flitting around like a butterfly, working on my songs and cleaning the house, not because the web of anxiety was wrapped so tightly around me that my unconscious must have known I may have snapped had I been around outside stimuli.

I took everything personally.

I spun it all into the web.

Estee called one day and gently and lovingly and supportively expressed her concern for me. Of course she came with a possible solution in-hand: ReVisions, the program I am enrolled in currently. All I had to do was call and set up an appointment. I mustered up my strength and courage, and called, and the ball started rolling.

I have learned so much about myself and my patterns and my unconscious motives in the last two weeks. Something inside me has been cracked open, and layers of protection and insecurity are being shed, and layers of strength and compassion are being restored. I realize now that in every single moment of my day I had been either judging myself or assuming someone else was judging me. My bucket was full of self-worthlessness. The web became thicker.

I now clearly see how my lack of assertiveness led to passive-aggressive behavior which then fed the unconscious victimhood belief and filled the low self-worth bucket.

So the work begins. And my days are filled with countless practice opportunities.

Now that I can see myself as separate from the anxiety, I am experiencing the physiological sensations of anxiety again. It’s pretty cool, because these sensations let me know my warped sense of self-worthlessness is being triggered, which helps me stop a moment, realize I am the only one who can make myself feel like a victim (I can do this as no-one in my life is abusive), and try to reframe my belief to “I am worthy.”

I’ll give an example: Jake called on his way home from work to ask if I want him to pick up dinner. And those were his pure, honest, simple intentions.

But with my warped belief system I heard him ask, “Samantha, since you pretty much suck as a mother, a wife, and a provider, you probably don’t have a meal planned, let alone prepared for dinner, do you?” Nearly delusional. I had convinced myself I was not enough. Or, rather, the world thought I wasn’t enough. It just occurred to me this moment that I have convinced myself that nearly everyone in the entire world doesn’t like me. How crazy is that?

That’s a lot for me to digest. But I do love to eat.

Anyway,

I feel more peaceful; Jake and my relationship feels more peaceful; our home feels more peaceful.

The girls have been a bit unpleased with this program, as it didn’t allow for a full family Spring Break, and, they would really prefer I would talk about something else, but this morning on our way to school, we could all feel the peace and Eve thought out loud, “Hmm…I think this may actually be a good thing…”